“I always knew I wanted to draw” – between jealousy, envy and longing

At the time I was searching for “my thing” I read a lot of stories, interviews and “about”-texts of illustrators. Mostly was I interested in how they had become illustrators, how they had gotten where they were now. Maybe I could do it like them?

And a lot of them said “I always knew I wanted to draw. So I went to art school …” etc..

Sigh. This left me frustrated.

It made me feel like I had wasted my life by not attending art school.

I was nearly 30 years old and had spent 8 years on apprenticeship and university in a totally different field. A field I now wanted to leave to do something completely different of which I didn’t have a clue what this could be (illustration, maybe?). I felt old and like I hadn’t accomplished anything. Like I had spent my life in the wrong way. Also I felt too old to go back to university to study “something creative”. Neither was I willing to nor did I see any chance that any art school would accept a 30-year-old beginner without any experience. So was there at all any chance to become an illustrator?

“I always knew I wanted to draw” also made me furious because I was jealous. Jealous that these people not only knew since their childhood what their dream profession was. But also that they had made it! I wished that for myself as well.

I mean, yes, I also loved drawing as a kid. For a while I was even convinced that I would become an illustrator. But for some reason I left this path and abandoned drawing. Maybe other things became more important. And when it was time to set the course for a profession I chose something different and “more reasonable” (the plan was now to become a nurse). Becoming an illustrator was totally off the radar.

Something I regretted years later (but got over it eventually 🙂 ).

Well, we can’t turn back time and there I was, not knowing what I wanted to do or how to get there. Ideas ranged from designing Playmobil® characters over becoming a watchmaker to botanical illustration. Also being a writer was top-ranking.

In the end I decided to give drawing a try. It was part in many of the just mentioned ideas and easily accessible. So I went to a drawing course at community college. To expand knowledge I even enrolled in a distance learning course which took me three years to finish (it was set up for one year).

Part of the distance learning course was writing with the dip pen – boom! Yep! Maybe it was something with calligraphy?

Step by step by step one thing led to another. Today I am more than happy to combine illustration and calligraphy to create fine art prints (find the shop here) and write blog articles. All about the facets of the topic of “Going your own way”. Several dreams combined 🙂

Most of the time that journey felt like circling around blindly. It took me some years to find out what I wanted to do. Eventhough I wished it wouldn’t have taken that long probably every step of the way was somehow necessary.

If you feel the same – searching for “your thing” and not knowing yet what this could be – I can only encourage you to go the very next step. You probably already have an idea or feeling what this could look like. I know you do. Gather information, read that book, attend the workshop, write that e-mail, buy (or borrow) these utensils (and use them!), make that appointment, book the trip.

Do what is the next right thing you can think of. It will get you closer to your goal even if you don’t know the goal yet.

You will find out what feels right and what doesn’t, what you want to know more about and what you can cross off your list.

By the way, there are self-educated illustrators out there! What a relief! It is possible. And I know it is for you, too.

So what is your next step?

Keep going!

I cheer you all the way

Annika